First AP Lit Essay

I’ve always had a fascination with words, ever since I was young and innocent and naïve. Their ability to express the inexpressible enchanted me; the way they flowed or tripped hazardously off the tongue excited me. I could spend hours thinking of the perfect description for trivial, little things, feeling like I had discovered an earth-shattering secret whenever I found the perfect combination of words.


People, I’ve found, are much more difficult to describe. We breathe, think, act, react. We do when objects don’t, and implement when objects can only supplement. Despite spending nearly eighteen years of my life living with myself, I find it difficult to find that one word that encompasses me.

I suppose one word that it could be would be just that: complex. Each thing I do or say has a train of thought with a very vocal passenger named consideration. Under each statement, belief, conscious and unconscious action, I have a reason backed by a history of critical thought and informed decision. Maybe that could be described as precise.

Hope is a noun that many have linked with me. Life is not an easy ride, nor will it ever be, and the ability to hope for something better than today has become an innate part of me. Everything is okay at all times, no matter how dire the circumstances, and that particular belief has allowed me to face incredible challenges with bravery.

Yet another might be integrity. A value learned in Sunday school and morphed into my own understanding and sense of it, life is nothing without integrity. I cannot be anyone other than who I am without feeling a sense of dishonesty, no matter the good intentions. While I don’t preach my religious views because of their controversial nature, I cannot betray them just as many people in any organized faith will not deny theirs. It’s as Ayn Rand states in my favorite quote, “I swear by my life and my love for it that I will not live for any man, nor will I ask any to live for mine.”

In contrast to fairly positive adjectives, jealous could be listed among the more negative in to describe me. Suffering from a mostly hidden inferiority complex, I tend to be jealous of those whose life is easy, who have everything handed to them, and live the life I wish I had been raised to live. I envy those who are successful at a young age, those who seem to flow through life effortlessly, and those who have the appearance or social scene that I wish I could fit myself into. Yet while I may be jealous at times, I am quick to remind myself that I do not know their personal story and don’t know their personal struggles. In those quick memos, I am open and accepting, both of myself and others.

Many have told me I’m intimidating, though I’ve never quite understood why. Perhaps it is my well formed opinions and unorthodox beliefs, or maybe it stems from something deeper, something I am still trying to find the words for. I enjoy public speaking and do not have a problem discussing personal subjects with anyone, and perhaps it’s my comfort around large groups of people that is intimidating. Maybe it leads to another adjective that I feel is very much me: intensity. I live my life with intensity. I believe my beliefs with intensity. I am who I am with intensity. Perhaps that is where I am intimidating.

In regards to my personality, I am dominant, certain, brilliant, compulsive, decisive, confident, and tend to lean towards the selfish side of the spectrum, though that is not always who I am. I am dominant in the way that I will lead; certain in the way that I know what I want from my life and how to get there; brilliant because of an innovative and unusual mind; compulsive in my need for change, excitement, and risk; confident in the ways of knowing who I am and being okay with not knowing everything about myself; and selfish in the way that when it comes down to it, I can be perfectly happy on my own and will not put up with people if they don’t contribute something positive to my life. While all of these are very strongly a part of who I am, none of them can stand alone and describe the entirety of myself.

I’ve considered verbs, such as evolve, discover, and do. My views on every aspect of my life have evolved over the years into something beautiful, and I have grown with them. Years of study and learning have shaped who I am and have helped me discover the person beneath the exterior shell. Through everything, failure is not an option in my mind, and therefore “do” comes into play; and yet, even still, there are times when I do nothing, and choose to let things slip in and out of my life for the best.

I am rare. As overused as it might be, I truly feel like a desert rose. My unorthodox views, philosophies, and beliefs make me beautifully unique in a place where I feel pressured to conform to the status quo. I’d rather take the heat and be who I am than suffocate in silence. But I am not rare enough to have that single word encompass me.

Every verb and adjective that I believe represents me leads me to the word that welds them all together: power. I am power. The intensity with which I live has given me power to accomplish all that I set forth to do. My certainty gives me a powerful advantage where others falter. Evolution and discovery have helped me form knowledge and understandings that give me the power to understand the people and circumstances around me. Power is a delicate balance, and the ultimate reward for a challenger. It does not come easy, and will not be given up without a fight. It is a mind, change, ability, constant challenge. Where others can’t, I embrace it. It is something sought after, abused, and viewed as a risk. Power is a victory.