The more time that passes, the longer the time since I last talked to him, the more I feel like I was used. As distance grows, there's just something... unsettling, something that makes me feel like it was nothing to him.
I wonder if it really meant anything, or if it was just late at night and alone. I wonder if he really is the jackass a coworker says he is, or if he really doesn't have any way to contact me. It's hard, because I've been trying to figure out what to classify us as, and I've only been able to come up with friends with benefits. At the time, I was completely okay with it, and I think I still would be. I just need him to tell me where we are so that I can stop making excuses for him in my head and see him in the light I should, rather than the rose-colored glow of my daydreams.
If he wanted to see or talk to me bad enough, wouldn't he take the time to try?
I'm still trying to figure out how I felt that night, if I felt anything at all. I wanted so desperately to be his, still do, but I would take whatever he would give me, just as is the case now.
Does that make me pathetic?
Does that make me the slut my mom thinks I'm turning into?
Does that make me weak and vulnerable?
I've tried not to classify myself based on other people for the past four or five years of my life, but there's a hole, and something's missing, something that has always been absent. For that one night, he filled so much of that hole... and now it's gone again. I don't want to need people to define who I am, but it's hard to know who I am with that empty space. I can't know exactly who I am with a piece of the picture missing, but how do I find what I don't know to look for?
I wish I could talk to him. I need explanations.
There's many reasons he might not be talking to you. Maybe it hurts too much, knowing you leaving is inevitable. There's always a reasonable doubt, and I know that's hell.
ReplyDeleteAlso with some people, they know nothing lasts forever. Everything is due to change. Some people just choose to live and be glad with what they got away with. Sure it may not be happy, but it's better than always regretting and missing. Hard to make since of it in prose, but as one poem about relationships I saw said, "And those 3 days were perfect. No arguements. No fighting every hour. No time for the relationship to go sour."
Needing others to discover yourself doesn't make you weak, pathetic or vulnerable. We wouldn't be able to discover ourselves without others. Being emotionally dependant on someone isn't so harmful as long as the person is straight with you, and you make sure you can still rely on yourself.
Dressing and acting in a way to manipulate and tantalize guys makes you a slut. I don't think you'd fall under that.
As far as filling holes, I'm pretty sure you know that filling physical holes will never fill emotional holes, though I wish it were that simple.
Far as not defining yourself by what other people think you are, also don't define yourself by what others don't think you are.
oh jess. how i wish i was there, you and i are always good with guy problems. ha right now i do not like blondes... ha but thats just me. i met a beautiful adonis of a man named Ben, black hair green eyes, yumm and very funny. but i dont think he likes me. might ask him to go bowlin though anyway. goes to jordan.
ReplyDeleteANYWAY!
back to you.
i will kill him (your love). no not really. want to at the moment. (did i make you laugh!?! i better have cuz you know you can imagine me sayin all this out loud with all my awesome hand gestures!!! you know itttt!!!))
anyway
again
duh
first off... call him. k? that will work, and if he doesnt answer. leave him a very detailed message. .. ... tell him all that you want to tell him. that you are confused with stuff (said above)
then... realize that he truly may be busy, start of the school year... or ... you know. its been crazy around here. yes he could find time, but what if its just not there for a few days.
thirdly, YOU ARE NOT A SLUT. or turning into one. (ha i get that too... but STILL) you are NOT A SLUT! nor will you EVER be! okay?! you are the most beautiful, talent, amazing, awesome girl i have EVERRR met. and not a slut its not like you walk around in skimpy little short shorts that dont even cover your underware and sleep with every guy you see, now that is a SLUT! so AH HA! you my lovely are not a slut!
now holes. i know you probably feel like swiss cheese right about now... and ur love helped with all that, most of it. but really all i need to tell you is that it will be ok. ur love will either come around or tell you how it is and then u can go after that yummy guy norweigen guy... and then yes... we will go on a double! good plan i think!
it will be okay jess. you probably hear that alot from me and otra people but really jess things will work themselves out. and remember you still have me and all of ur other ppl. love you forever and ever jess!
call me k? especially when you need to talk bout crap like boys and drama and ... jazzy crap! and the good stuff too k? love you.
♫