I’ve always had a fascination with words, ever since I was young and innocent and naïve. Their ability to express the inexpressible enchanted me; the way they flowed or tripped hazardously off the tongue excited me. I could spend hours thinking of the perfect description for trivial, little things, feeling like I had discovered an earth-shattering secret whenever I found the perfect combination of words.
People, I’ve found, are much more difficult to describe. We breathe, think, act, react. We do when objects don’t, and implement when objects can only supplement. Despite spending nearly eighteen years of my life living with myself, I find it difficult to find that one word that encompasses me.
I suppose one word that it could be would be just that: complex. Each thing I do or say has a train of thought with a very vocal passenger named consideration. Under each statement, belief, conscious and unconscious action, I have a reason backed by a history of critical thought and informed decision. Maybe that could be described as precise.
Hope is a noun that many have linked with me. Life is not an easy ride, nor will it ever be, and the ability to hope for something better than today has become an innate part of me. Everything is okay at all times, no matter how dire the circumstances, and that particular belief has allowed me to face incredible challenges with bravery.
Yet another might be integrity. A value learned in Sunday school and morphed into my own understanding and sense of it, life is nothing without integrity. I cannot be anyone other than who I am without feeling a sense of dishonesty, no matter the good intentions. While I don’t preach my religious views because of their controversial nature, I cannot betray them just as many people in any organized faith will not deny theirs. It’s as Ayn Rand states in my favorite quote, “I swear by my life and my love for it that I will not live for any man, nor will I ask any to live for mine.”
In contrast to fairly positive adjectives, jealous could be listed among the more negative in to describe me. Suffering from a mostly hidden inferiority complex, I tend to be jealous of those whose life is easy, who have everything handed to them, and live the life I wish I had been raised to live. I envy those who are successful at a young age, those who seem to flow through life effortlessly, and those who have the appearance or social scene that I wish I could fit myself into. Yet while I may be jealous at times, I am quick to remind myself that I do not know their personal story and don’t know their personal struggles. In those quick memos, I am open and accepting, both of myself and others.
Many have told me I’m intimidating, though I’ve never quite understood why. Perhaps it is my well formed opinions and unorthodox beliefs, or maybe it stems from something deeper, something I am still trying to find the words for. I enjoy public speaking and do not have a problem discussing personal subjects with anyone, and perhaps it’s my comfort around large groups of people that is intimidating. Maybe it leads to another adjective that I feel is very much me: intensity. I live my life with intensity. I believe my beliefs with intensity. I am who I am with intensity. Perhaps that is where I am intimidating.
In regards to my personality, I am dominant, certain, brilliant, compulsive, decisive, confident, and tend to lean towards the selfish side of the spectrum, though that is not always who I am. I am dominant in the way that I will lead; certain in the way that I know what I want from my life and how to get there; brilliant because of an innovative and unusual mind; compulsive in my need for change, excitement, and risk; confident in the ways of knowing who I am and being okay with not knowing everything about myself; and selfish in the way that when it comes down to it, I can be perfectly happy on my own and will not put up with people if they don’t contribute something positive to my life. While all of these are very strongly a part of who I am, none of them can stand alone and describe the entirety of myself.
I’ve considered verbs, such as evolve, discover, and do. My views on every aspect of my life have evolved over the years into something beautiful, and I have grown with them. Years of study and learning have shaped who I am and have helped me discover the person beneath the exterior shell. Through everything, failure is not an option in my mind, and therefore “do” comes into play; and yet, even still, there are times when I do nothing, and choose to let things slip in and out of my life for the best.
I am rare. As overused as it might be, I truly feel like a desert rose. My unorthodox views, philosophies, and beliefs make me beautifully unique in a place where I feel pressured to conform to the status quo. I’d rather take the heat and be who I am than suffocate in silence. But I am not rare enough to have that single word encompass me.
Every verb and adjective that I believe represents me leads me to the word that welds them all together: power. I am power. The intensity with which I live has given me power to accomplish all that I set forth to do. My certainty gives me a powerful advantage where others falter. Evolution and discovery have helped me form knowledge and understandings that give me the power to understand the people and circumstances around me. Power is a delicate balance, and the ultimate reward for a challenger. It does not come easy, and will not be given up without a fight. It is a mind, change, ability, constant challenge. Where others can’t, I embrace it. It is something sought after, abused, and viewed as a risk. Power is a victory.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
I am passionate about...
I am passionate about life. There isn't a single day in my life that I want to regret, and I am passionate about living each hour to the fullest. I am aware of how short our time can be, and how quickly everything can change and how easily you can lose the things and people you believed would always be there. Because of this understanding, I don't take what and who I have for granted. I believe there is a chance to make someone's life better every day, and I hope that I can be someone who improves those around me. I always want to leave people better than they were before they met me, and hope to be a happy or positive memory to those lives I get to be a part of.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I am good at...
I am good at filling the roles that need to be filled. This isn't in an acting way, I can't act on stage to save my life. In my life, there are certain roles that I'm expected to fill, and I am good at filling them.
At home, I fill the role of mother for a good majority of the time, and have for as long as I can remember.
At school, I am a dedicated student who gets good grades and excels at everything in a seemingly effortless way.
At work, I am one of the hardest workers and do everything right and never make mistakes.
At play or in a social scene, I know how to have a good time and will open up and let you see who I am.
At DECA, I am organized and in charge and completely responsible and reliable.
Regardless of whether or not I really am what I need to be, I am good at filling the roles that are needed.
At home, I fill the role of mother for a good majority of the time, and have for as long as I can remember.
At school, I am a dedicated student who gets good grades and excels at everything in a seemingly effortless way.
At work, I am one of the hardest workers and do everything right and never make mistakes.
At play or in a social scene, I know how to have a good time and will open up and let you see who I am.
At DECA, I am organized and in charge and completely responsible and reliable.
Regardless of whether or not I really am what I need to be, I am good at filling the roles that are needed.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Along the Lines of NSLC
Luke.
Not the type of person I ever would have had the guts to talk to in any other situation than when I was set up to just sit and talk. It was the type of experience that made New York such an incredible adventure, and in whatever ways, he has influenced me and a small part of who I am now.
We were given a sheet of sentence starters, and were supposed to go through and take two or three minutes on each sentence and talk about it. It's been a while since I was that honest with anyone, including myself. I guess I feel like you deserve the same honesty from me, so this next set of entries will stem from those sentences.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm letting you know all of this; it's not like it really makes a difference, but I guess I felt like letting you know.
Happy reading.
Not the type of person I ever would have had the guts to talk to in any other situation than when I was set up to just sit and talk. It was the type of experience that made New York such an incredible adventure, and in whatever ways, he has influenced me and a small part of who I am now.
We were given a sheet of sentence starters, and were supposed to go through and take two or three minutes on each sentence and talk about it. It's been a while since I was that honest with anyone, including myself. I guess I feel like you deserve the same honesty from me, so this next set of entries will stem from those sentences.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm letting you know all of this; it's not like it really makes a difference, but I guess I felt like letting you know.
Happy reading.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Along the Lines of Hard
Choking back the tears you wish weren't there in the first place.
Counting down the days.
Missing people who have yet to leave, and
Knowing that by next Friday, you'll have a real reason to miss them.
Planning for a senior school year that was based around a friend you no longer get to go to school with.
Smiling and joking about the plans you secretly pray will come true.
Realizing that all those plans you've made so far haven't worked the way you want them to, and
Hoping that just this once, your plans will come into reality the way you want them.
Knowing that in eight days, you will have to say goodbye to the convenience of texting someone.
Praying that letters will be enough.
Trying to be brave.
Counting down the days.
Missing people who have yet to leave, and
Knowing that by next Friday, you'll have a real reason to miss them.
Planning for a senior school year that was based around a friend you no longer get to go to school with.
Smiling and joking about the plans you secretly pray will come true.
Realizing that all those plans you've made so far haven't worked the way you want them to, and
Hoping that just this once, your plans will come into reality the way you want them.
Knowing that in eight days, you will have to say goodbye to the convenience of texting someone.
Praying that letters will be enough.
Trying to be brave.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Dear God,
I guess I’m writing this letter to you because I don’t know how else to talk to you. There’s something about trying to talk to someone in the sky through my head that makes me feel like a crazy person. Of course, writing a letter that will never be postmarked isn’t entirely all that different.
I'm scared.
There are so many things running through my head. I don’t know where to go or how to handle the next twenty-four days. If you’re the God I’ve been taught to believe in, you’ll know what I’m talking about. You’ll know how scared I am to watch him go. It’s easy to be brave when he’s holding my hand, or when I can giggle and smile when I get a text from him. But it’s nighttime now, and I’m alone, and suddenly, it’s not so easy to be brave. No matter how much I believe him when he says that he’s not really leaving, it still feels like I’ll be watching half of me walk away, leaving the rest of me to sort out and pick up the pieces, trying to make them fit back together somehow even when there are parts missing.
I know I always say that somehow I need these two years just as much as he does for a reason that I don’t understand just yet, but the truth is, I’m terrified that I'll relive April 14th until he comes home. I know that I’m going to break that day, and that I won’t even want to try to pick up the pieces, and that no one here will do it for me. I know that on April 11th, the edges will start splitting and the stitches will come undone prematurely, and I’ll know that it’s the end of another chapter of my life, and that he won’t physically be in the story for pages yet to come. At that point, I'll know that the most I can hope for is a hug to last me through two years, and I'll know, that all too soon, I'll forget what it feels like to have his arms around me.
.......
I guess I’m writing this letter to you because I don’t know how else to talk to you. There’s something about trying to talk to someone in the sky through my head that makes me feel like a crazy person. Of course, writing a letter that will never be postmarked isn’t entirely all that different.
I'm scared.
There are so many things running through my head. I don’t know where to go or how to handle the next twenty-four days. If you’re the God I’ve been taught to believe in, you’ll know what I’m talking about. You’ll know how scared I am to watch him go. It’s easy to be brave when he’s holding my hand, or when I can giggle and smile when I get a text from him. But it’s nighttime now, and I’m alone, and suddenly, it’s not so easy to be brave. No matter how much I believe him when he says that he’s not really leaving, it still feels like I’ll be watching half of me walk away, leaving the rest of me to sort out and pick up the pieces, trying to make them fit back together somehow even when there are parts missing.
I know I always say that somehow I need these two years just as much as he does for a reason that I don’t understand just yet, but the truth is, I’m terrified that I'll relive April 14th until he comes home. I know that I’m going to break that day, and that I won’t even want to try to pick up the pieces, and that no one here will do it for me. I know that on April 11th, the edges will start splitting and the stitches will come undone prematurely, and I’ll know that it’s the end of another chapter of my life, and that he won’t physically be in the story for pages yet to come. At that point, I'll know that the most I can hope for is a hug to last me through two years, and I'll know, that all too soon, I'll forget what it feels like to have his arms around me.
.......
Along the Lines of Courage
Not all types of bravery are shown on a battlefield, in front of a large congregation of people, or even standing up for something you believe in. Some courage is shown in simple things, things that no one else might recognize as a challenge.
I'm not brave.
I don't have the strength.
I don't have the courage.
I'm not brave.
I don't have the strength.
I don't have the courage.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Along the Lines of Waitress
"Dear Baby,
If I was writing you a letter, it would probably sounds something like an apology. I know everyone deserves a mama who'd want a nice baby such as yourself... who was also a good wife, a fine member of a society. And I can't rightly say that I'm any of that. And I'm not sure the world is scuh a fine place to bringing you. Many of the people I've met are not worth meeting. Many of the things that happened are not worth living through. And you shouldn't take it personal, Baby... if I don't seem like all the other mama-to-be, jumping all over themselves with joy. I frankly don't know what I got to give you, Baby. What if I leave Earl, and don't win that contest next week, and don't have money? What the hell am I gonna give you then? All my life, Baby, the only thing I wanna do is run away. What kind of mama is that? I wish I could think other things, Baby, like excitement that you with me now... or faith that I'll be a good mama... even if my life ain't such a good place, and the world as I see it ain't so pretty like they'd have you believe in this book. Anyway, writing this letter to you, sounds more like a letter writing to me, don't it?
Love, Mama."
"Dear Baby,
I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it."
If I was writing you a letter, it would probably sounds something like an apology. I know everyone deserves a mama who'd want a nice baby such as yourself... who was also a good wife, a fine member of a society. And I can't rightly say that I'm any of that. And I'm not sure the world is scuh a fine place to bringing you. Many of the people I've met are not worth meeting. Many of the things that happened are not worth living through. And you shouldn't take it personal, Baby... if I don't seem like all the other mama-to-be, jumping all over themselves with joy. I frankly don't know what I got to give you, Baby. What if I leave Earl, and don't win that contest next week, and don't have money? What the hell am I gonna give you then? All my life, Baby, the only thing I wanna do is run away. What kind of mama is that? I wish I could think other things, Baby, like excitement that you with me now... or faith that I'll be a good mama... even if my life ain't such a good place, and the world as I see it ain't so pretty like they'd have you believe in this book. Anyway, writing this letter to you, sounds more like a letter writing to me, don't it?
Love, Mama."
"Dear Baby,
I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it."
Friday, March 12, 2010
Along the Lines of Lonely
"I've been feeling... inadequate for every single person in my life. Then I thought of you and decided we're both enough for each other and that's why we're such good friends. And why going to newspaper class today sucked immensely because I was alone."
There aren't words to give you to make the situation any easier. I'm sorry you understand how I'm feeling. You know how much I love and miss you and wish we could be having these crazy adventures together rather than telling the stories over phone calls, texts, and the occasional email. No matter how close a friend and I might get up here, no one can replace you. I miss you horribly, and I wish there was some way I could make this all okay, for both of us.
Take care, I miss you.
"These Days" by Chantal Kreviazuk
What's this life anyway?
What's it to you and me?
What's it to anyone?
Who are we supposed to be?
Make me a storybook
Write me away from here
I need a different now
Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow a smile
I'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...
Once upon these days
There's four roads to anywhere
Four ways to everything
We were unbreakable
We spoke our destiny
Let's take a moment out
Go were we never go
Let's make a new world now
Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...
Once upon these days
Then one day we'll find when we're looking back at this time
Wondering how we've come so far from this
When we close our eyes
What's this life anyway
What's it to you and me
What are we doing here
Who are we supposed to be
I'll take a better world
I'll take anything
Let's make a new world now
Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...
Once upon these days
There aren't words to give you to make the situation any easier. I'm sorry you understand how I'm feeling. You know how much I love and miss you and wish we could be having these crazy adventures together rather than telling the stories over phone calls, texts, and the occasional email. No matter how close a friend and I might get up here, no one can replace you. I miss you horribly, and I wish there was some way I could make this all okay, for both of us.
Take care, I miss you.
"These Days" by Chantal Kreviazuk
What's this life anyway?
What's it to you and me?
What's it to anyone?
Who are we supposed to be?
Make me a storybook
Write me away from here
I need a different now
Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow a smile
I'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...
Once upon these days
There's four roads to anywhere
Four ways to everything
We were unbreakable
We spoke our destiny
Let's take a moment out
Go were we never go
Let's make a new world now
Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...
Once upon these days
Then one day we'll find when we're looking back at this time
Wondering how we've come so far from this
When we close our eyes
What's this life anyway
What's it to you and me
What are we doing here
Who are we supposed to be
I'll take a better world
I'll take anything
Let's make a new world now
Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...
Once upon these days
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Along the Lines of Beloved Camp Songs
"The Misty Song"
How many mountains will I have to climb?
How many mem'ries will I leave behind?
How many daydreams will I make come true?
How many heartbreaks until I find you?
There is a valley called peace of mind
There is a river running right by its side
There is a moment of glory so new
There is eternity to spend loving you.
"Spider's Web"
It's a web like a spider's web
Made of silver light and shadow
Spun by the moon in my room at night
It's a web made to catch a dream
Hold it fast till I awaken
As if to tell me my dream was of you.
It's a web
Like a spiders web
Spun by the moon in my room at night
It's a web
Made to catch a dream
As if to tell me my dream was of you.
"I am a Child"
I am a child, a child of God and I know that he has sent me here
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear, kind and dear
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Help me find the way
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him
Someday
Some bright day
I am a child, a child of God and I know that he has sent me here
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear, so now I'm here
I have no fear
For he is near
"White Wings"
White wings they never grow weary
They carry me cheerily over the sea
Night falls, I long for my deary
So spread out your white wings and sail home to me
How many mountains will I have to climb?
How many mem'ries will I leave behind?
How many daydreams will I make come true?
How many heartbreaks until I find you?
There is a valley called peace of mind
There is a river running right by its side
There is a moment of glory so new
There is eternity to spend loving you.
"Spider's Web"
It's a web like a spider's web
Made of silver light and shadow
Spun by the moon in my room at night
It's a web made to catch a dream
Hold it fast till I awaken
As if to tell me my dream was of you.
It's a web
Like a spiders web
Spun by the moon in my room at night
It's a web
Made to catch a dream
As if to tell me my dream was of you.
"I am a Child"
I am a child, a child of God and I know that he has sent me here
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear, kind and dear
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Help me find the way
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him
Someday
Some bright day
I am a child, a child of God and I know that he has sent me here
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear, so now I'm here
I have no fear
For he is near
"White Wings"
White wings they never grow weary
They carry me cheerily over the sea
Night falls, I long for my deary
So spread out your white wings and sail home to me
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