Along the Lines of Disappointment

The more time that passes, the longer the time since I last talked to him, the more I feel like I was used. As distance grows, there's just something... unsettling, something that makes me feel like it was nothing to him.
I wonder if it really meant anything, or if it was just late at night and alone. I wonder if he really is the jackass a coworker says he is, or if he really doesn't have any way to contact me. It's hard, because I've been trying to figure out what to classify us as, and I've only been able to come up with friends with benefits. At the time, I was completely okay with it, and I think I still would be. I just need him to tell me where we are so that I can stop making excuses for him in my head and see him in the light I should, rather than the rose-colored glow of my daydreams.
If he wanted to see or talk to me bad enough, wouldn't he take the time to try?
I'm still trying to figure out how I felt that night, if I felt anything at all. I wanted so desperately to be his, still do, but I would take whatever he would give me, just as is the case now.
Does that make me pathetic?
Does that make me the slut my mom thinks I'm turning into?
Does that make me weak and vulnerable?
I've tried not to classify myself based on other people for the past four or five years of my life, but there's a hole, and something's missing, something that has always been absent. For that one night, he filled so much of that hole... and now it's gone again. I don't want to need people to define who I am, but it's hard to know who I am with that empty space. I can't know exactly who I am with a piece of the picture missing, but how do I find what I don't know to look for?
I wish I could talk to him. I need explanations.

Along the Lines of Endings

A friend of mine wants to write a book in which the main character is given twenty four hours left to live. At this point, he has the choice to either relive twenty four hours of his life, or to live twenty four hours in the present. Either way the character will die at the end of the twenty four hours.
Quite frankly I don't know which I would choose.
In a lot of ways, I feel like the character might if he didn't have the choice, and knew he was going to die in a matter of twenty four hours. I am not dying, as far as I am aware, but I will be leaving everything I've ever known in two days' time. I know what I would fill those hours with, if it were up to me.
I would have him with me for every second, holding my hand or holding my waist, and giving me the strength that he always does. There would be two others with us, close friends that I will always cherish and who have stood by me through everything. I would want to see everyone I am leaving behind, and let them know I will miss them. I would take pictures of each person, and pictures of places that hold happy memories.
I would spend the rest of the time with just him, alone like we were that one night. His lips would caress mine, and his strong hands would hold me close. His softly whispered secrets would make me smile and make me cry, and we would make each second we had together last in the most beautiful way. He would laugh helplessly when my hands brushed his back too lightly with a smile that will forever be engrained in my memory. There would be precious moments where we just lay there, his cheek against mine and our fingers laced together, the silence wrapping around us like a light in a cave. We would share what we could with each other with no worries of consequences because now was all we had. He would touch my face and run his fingers through my hair, his soft lips touching my cheek, neck, and shoulder. His breath and fingers would trace patterns on my skin, leaving tingling paths in their wake. Every last second would be spent in his arms, sharing myself with him in exchange for bits of himself.
And when it came time to say goodbye, he would kiss me fiercely, sad and upset and longing to keep me longer... and he would promise me something. He would promise to see me when he could, and to wait for me. He would promise to wait the one year that is going to separate us, and when that year was up, I would come back, and we would share our last hours together all over again, only this time... they would be our first.

Along the Lines of Exhaustion

Tired

of fighting

Tired

of pointlessly hoping

Tired

of being someone I'm not

Tired

of not living up to what I should be

Tired

of trusting in someone who believes in God

Tired

of not being able to be who I am

Tired

of living day to day in vain

Tired

of not knowing

Tired

of life

Along the Lines of Paper

It's ironic how a single sheet of paper can alter your world completely. If the words had been rearranged in a different order, or some had been deleted all together, the meaning would have been entirely different, and that paper wouldn't have had any impact at all.
With a single sheet of paper, a divorce is finalized. Another innocent page joins two people in matrimony, through sickness and in health, for better or for worse. A single sheet of paper will let you know that your water has been shut off until further notice.
My particular sheet of paper only finalized the inevitable.
September 1st is the expiration date.

Lines of a Song

Whenever You Remember, by Carrie Underwood

When you look back on times we had
I hope you smile
And know that through the good and through the bad
I was on your side when nobody could hold us down
We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
And no they won't forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

When you think back on all we've done
I hope you're proud
When you look back and see how far we've come
It was our time to shine
And nobody could hold us down
They thought they'd see us fall
But we, we stood so tall
And no, we won't forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
You know that we, we showed them all
And no, they won't forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believed that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I'll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Whenever you remember

Oh, whenever you remember

Along the Lines of Secrets

God, love, sex, family, life... there are so many secrets, and everyone has at least one. Mine have accumulated over the years, piling one on top of the other, all trying to find their own place inside the cramped space called "me." There are new ones, more recent ones, and these fresh secrets excite me.
I need secrets to function, though many people would disagree and possibly recommend a shrink. I need their safety, their calm reassurance that no one really knows everything about me, that those bits of knowledge will always be mine, and only mine.
Some of these secrets scare me, and they show me just how out of control of my life I am. A part of me yearns to let someone in completely, yet I would never let myself.
There are the secrets that you wish someone would see, the ones that make you yearn for a listening ear and an understanding heart.
There are the secrets that crave attention of any sort, make you someone you wish you weren't.
There are the secrets that make you sad, make you cry, and you only face them in the darkest hours of the night, curled up and alone.
There are the secrets that hurt you, that you wish to give to someone else, but you know that you can't.
There are secrets that you wish you didn't know.
Regardless of what kind they are, they are your secrets, and belong to you and only you.
These secrets... they're mine, and I find a strange sense of calm in them.
In these words there are so many other secrets, and they're still mine.

Along the Lines of Beautiful Nights

The near-black sky tonight is so beautiful, all speckled with dimly winking stars. Fading darker as it goes towards the "center" of the sky, it really does give you the illusion, or more so the reality, of a dome.
Standing outside, the cool night air breathes on my skin, and I can't help but feel myself open up to the night, trying to release all of the energy, emotion, and noise that's inside of me, screaming to be heard.
It's the nights like these that are the hardest for me. The beautiful, calm, and peaceful nights. A summer rain shower are also difficult, but for now, all I have is tonight.
There's something about the dark sky, the whispering crickets, and the unseen wind that pulls at the core of me. Everything contained inside of me starts to pull and claw its way out, and no matter how long or how hard it will dig, it will never reach the surface.
The night protects me.
It offers me a cover, a safety, that just surrounds me with blankets of comfort.
The night listens.
It's still, and hears everything I dare not say. The crickets distract any listening ear as my heart pours out its secrets and begs for relief.
The night heals.
I am taken away into a corner of the world that is mine, and only mine. I am alone to breathe, and the chilled air fills every cell in my body and replenishes what it can, offering what it can, and taking what it can.
The night rolls over and through me, opening me up and removing the walls I work so hard to build.
These nights... they heal and they haunt. I long for those I love, to hold and be held by warm, protecting arms. The night offers the empty whisper of a touch. I miss those I've lost, and the night gently reminds me that they no longer need me, though their memory still lingers in me, irreplaceable, quite unlike what I am to them. The night lets me feel everything while I wish the opposite.

It's on nights like these...

...that it feels as if everything I want and need...

...are just right there...

...right behind that thin curtain of black...

...and just as I reach out to touch it...

...I find that it was never really there in the first place.

Along the Lines of Roses

Roses are beautiful things, so rich in color. They represent love when red, friendship when yellow, and purity when white. Chosen for their beauty and innocence, they are the background of many pictures and adorn weddings, funerals, and other occasions.
They sit in vases on our countertops, soaking in vitamin-enriched water. Slowly, the life is drained out of them, and for our pleasure. We hold on to them, knowing they will die soon enough, and when their time comes and they are exhausted and wilting, we will throw them out, and find a new replacement, but at least we enjoyed their vitality while it lasted.
They hang from a noose made of ribbon, the life also draining out of them imminently. While they will die just as the others, their beauty will be preserved in part. Their jaded, dead shells will sit in empty vases, hang on walls, or be tucked safely on a shelf as a tribute to the memories that brought them there. But the life is sucked out of them, yet we hang on tightly to them, to the memories, because we're too scared to let them go.
There are so many things that are exactly like these roses. We choose to either enjoy their beauty while they last, or we keep the dead shells because it is too hard to let them go.

Along the Lines of Depression in the United States

Big Sister at work came up with the following insight on rainbow-colored sprinkles:

"Some people are just depressed and they need to eat colorful wax to make themselves feel happy."

Along the Lines of My Co-Workers

Working at a place whose full line of employees consists of mostly high school and recently graduated students, it's inevitable that a number of them will have to quit come late August and September. It's rough to acknowledge these imminent changes, but we have no choice but to accept them.
One of these people happens to be one of my closest friends, mentor, and sister-like figure. She's moving out for college in just a matter of weeks, and it's hard to imagine life without her, without her being in a twenty minute range if I need her for anything. She's guided me through the past four years, and has been there to protect me, to listen to me, and to give me advice and show me how to truly live my life. I can't imagine DECA without her; I'll miss her confident calm, and her faith in me to do well and to go farther than I ever could have guessed. Her knowledge and skill helped get me to Nationals, and I can't imagine going without her. Next year, it will be me who is the mentor, the one who has been there before, and quite frankly, that's terrifying.
Next is the "only good-looking straight guy" and "the five-year old who never grew up". He is moving to a city whose population is smaller than the student body of my high school. None of us are really quite sure why he's going there, since it's kind of known as the town that you move away from, not to. As he explains it, he's moving there to get away from everything, and as crazy as we all think he is, I think it will be good for him. He's going to grow up a little (we hope) and maybe get his life in order for what he wants for his future.
Then there's the quiet Mormon girl, who is also moving away to college. She hasn't worked here long, but we've all sort of grown attached. She's a sweetheart, she really is. I hope things go well for her; she deserves it.
And the oldest of us all, and recently returned from Scotland for study abroad. She's been here for three years, and it will be strange for all of us to see her go. Like everyone else but so much more so, she's family, she's the big sister. There's a slight chance that she'll come back next summer, but you can only work quick serve for so long, and she's talented enough to get the work she wants in photography.
Our dear father may or may not be leaving. He's even older than big sister, but still young to all of us. Having been here since our opening day, he has a permanent place in our family, but again, you can only work quick serve for so long.
With school starting, none of us are really sure of who else might have to leave, myself included. I don't want to see more of us go, but it's a possibility.
All of these people and the rest of our family make work my home. It's safety, a place to hide, and somewhere to be yourself and be accepted as such. With the upcoming changes, I don't know how I would feel about adding another brother or sister, changing the parenthood, and just... watching them leave. It will be hard.