Along the Lines of Hard

Choking back the tears you wish weren't there in the first place.
Counting down the days.
Missing people who have yet to leave, and
Knowing that by next Friday, you'll have a real reason to miss them.
Planning for a senior school year that was based around a friend you no longer get to go to school with.
Smiling and joking about the plans you secretly pray will come true.
Realizing that all those plans you've made so far haven't worked the way you want them to, and
Hoping that just this once, your plans will come into reality the way you want them.
Knowing that in eight days, you will have to say goodbye to the convenience of texting someone.
Praying that letters will be enough.
Trying to be brave.

Dear God,


I guess I’m writing this letter to you because I don’t know how else to talk to you. There’s something about trying to talk to someone in the sky through my head that makes me feel like a crazy person. Of course, writing a letter that will never be postmarked isn’t entirely all that different.

I'm scared.
There are so many things running through my head. I don’t know where to go or how to handle the next twenty-four days. If you’re the God I’ve been taught to believe in, you’ll know what I’m talking about. You’ll know how scared I am to watch him go. It’s easy to be brave when he’s holding my hand, or when I can giggle and smile when I get a text from him. But it’s nighttime now, and I’m alone, and suddenly, it’s not so easy to be brave. No matter how much I believe him when he says that he’s not really leaving, it still feels like I’ll be watching half of me walk away, leaving the rest of me to sort out and pick up the pieces, trying to make them fit back together somehow even when there are parts missing.

I know I always say that somehow I need these two years just as much as he does for a reason that I don’t understand just yet, but the truth is, I’m terrified that I'll relive April 14th until he comes home. I know that I’m going to break that day, and that I won’t even want to try to pick up the pieces, and that no one here will do it for me. I know that on April 11th, the edges will start splitting and the stitches will come undone prematurely, and I’ll know that it’s the end of another chapter of my life, and that he won’t physically be in the story for pages yet to come. At that point, I'll know that the most I can hope for is a hug to last me through two years, and I'll know, that all too soon, I'll forget what it feels like to have his arms around me.

.......

Along the Lines of Courage

Not all types of bravery are shown on a battlefield, in front of a large congregation of people, or even standing up for something you believe in.  Some courage is shown in simple things, things that no one else might recognize as a challenge. 

I'm not brave. 

I don't have the strength. 

I don't have the courage.

Along the Lines of Waitress

"Dear Baby,
If I was writing you a letter, it would probably sounds something like an apology. I know everyone deserves a mama who'd want a nice baby such as yourself... who was also a good wife, a fine member of a society. And I can't rightly say that I'm any of that. And I'm not sure the world is scuh a fine place to bringing you. Many of the people I've met are not worth meeting. Many of the things that happened are not worth living through. And you shouldn't take it personal, Baby... if I don't seem like all the other mama-to-be, jumping all over themselves with joy. I frankly don't know what I got to give you, Baby. What if I leave Earl, and don't win that contest next week, and don't have money? What the hell am I gonna give you then? All my life, Baby, the only thing I wanna do is run away. What kind of mama is that? I wish I could think other things, Baby, like excitement that you with me now... or faith that I'll be a good mama... even if my life ain't such a good place, and the world as I see it ain't so pretty like they'd have you believe in this book. Anyway, writing this letter to you, sounds more like a letter writing to me, don't it?
Love, Mama."

"Dear Baby,
I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it."

Along the Lines of Lonely

"I've been feeling... inadequate for every single person in my life.  Then I thought of you and decided we're both enough for each other and that's why we're such good friends.  And why going to newspaper class today sucked immensely because I was alone."

There aren't words to give you to make the situation any easier.  I'm sorry you understand how I'm feeling.  You know how much I love and miss you and wish we could be having these crazy adventures together rather than telling the stories over phone calls, texts, and the occasional email.  No matter how close a friend and I might get up here, no one can replace you.  I miss you horribly, and I wish there was some way I could make this all okay, for both of us.

Take care, I miss you.

"These Days" by Chantal Kreviazuk

What's this life anyway?

What's it to you and me?
What's it to anyone?
Who are we supposed to be?
Make me a storybook
Write me away from here
I need a different now
Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow a smile
I'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...

Once upon these days

There's four roads to anywhere
Four ways to everything
We were unbreakable
We spoke our destiny
Let's take a moment out
Go were we never go
Let's make a new world now
Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...

Once upon these days

Then one day we'll find when we're looking back at this time
Wondering how we've come so far from this
When we close our eyes
What's this life anyway
What's it to you and me
What are we doing here
Who are we supposed to be
I'll take a better world
I'll take anything
Let's make a new world now
Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...
Once upon these days

Along the Lines of Beloved Camp Songs

"The Misty Song"

How many mountains will I have to climb?
How many mem'ries will I leave behind?
How many daydreams will I make come true?
How many heartbreaks until I find you?

There is a valley called peace of mind
There is a river running right by its side
There is a moment of glory so new
There is eternity to spend loving you.

"Spider's Web"

It's a web like a spider's web
Made of silver light and shadow
Spun by the moon in my room at night
It's a web made to catch a dream
Hold it fast till I awaken
As if to tell me my dream was of you.

It's a web
Like a spiders web
Spun by the moon in my room at night
It's a web
Made to catch a dream
As if to tell me my dream was of you.

"I am a Child"

I am a child, a child of God and I know that he has sent me here
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear, kind and dear

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Help me find the way
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him
Someday
Some bright day

I am a child, a child of God and I know that he has sent me here
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear, so now I'm here
I have no fear
For he is near

"White Wings"

White wings they never grow weary
They carry me cheerily over the sea
Night falls, I long for my deary
So spread out your white wings and sail home to me

Along the Lines of Windmills

I believe in the Man of La Mancha, Don Quizote, a crazy man who believes he is a knight in a world where chivalry has long since died.  While he may not be the sanest character ever written, he spends his life doing what he believes is right, despite the people who scorn and laugh at his pointless attempts.  In the theatrical version, he sings a song, announcing his quest in beautiful lyrics that cannot be expressed in any better way:

"To dream the impossible dream; to fight the unbeatable foe; to bear with unbearable sorrow; to run where the brave dare not go; to right the unrightable wrong; to love pur and chaste from afar; to try when your arms are too weary; to reach the unreachable star.  This is my quest, to follow that star, no matter how hopeless, no matter how far.  To fight for the right without question or pause, to march into Hell for a heavenly cause; and I know if I'll only be true to this glorious quest, that my heart will lie calm and peaceful when I'm laid to my rest, and the world will be better for this, that one man scorned and covered with scars, still strove with his last ounce of courage to reach the unreachable star."

His belief in attempting the impossible is inspiring.  It wasn't about winning, in his eyes.  It was about trying no matter how exhausted the fight might make you, and going into a battle you know you will lose because you believe in the cause.  In his eyes, he stood for chivalry, defended the virtue of women, and fought to defeat the Giants, which in reality were windmills.  He fought and lost repeatedly, and yet through the scorn and mockery of the people around him, he would get back up and try again.

I believe there is a Man of La Mancha in each of us.  There is a soldier somewhere in everyone.  There are beliefs and integrity somewhere in each living person.  The challenge is allowing ourselves to be that strong, learning to live according to our beliefs, and learning how to get by and keep fighting.

I believe that sometimes we simply have to be okay enough to breathe.  Whatever situation we may be in, no matter how tragic or how difficult, breathing is necessary.  Learning to breathe through the hurt, breathe through the tears, and learning to breathe through everything that makes us want to give up.  Eventually, when things get easier, breathing will also get easier, and those breaths of fresh air will mean so much more.  Undoubtedly Don Quixote learned to breathe as he ran headfirst into a windmill, a quest that would undeniably injure him, and indisputably the breaths he took afterwards came easier in the sense that he had made it through alive, even if unsuccessfully.

I believe in being content enough to smile.  Being content does not mean being happy, although happiness is often a byproduct of being content.  Learning to accept life and learning to accept yourself and the situations you are placed in will allow you to smile.  Don Quixote had every reason to be discontented with his life, whith everyone who mocked and ridiculed him, yet he always found a way to block out everyone around him so that it wasn't too hard to smile.

A truly strong person will not hold back tears, won't tell themselves that they are stronger than that, and will not feel ashamed.  An even stronger person will let others see them cry.  We all need to see that even the strongest of us fall.  Don Quixote exhibits this humanistic trait as he regains his sanity, realizing that chivalry is dead, and realizes that his quests were failures.  I believe in being humble enough to cry.

Through all of the hurt and disappointments that life may throw at us, I believe in finding just enough happiness to make loving okay.  I believe in being happy enough to love.  Aldonza was a local bar tender and part time prostitute, and incidentally Don Quixote fell in love with her.  In many ways, she was what made him happy.

No matter how hard we have it, if you look hard enough, there will always be something to be happy about.  Learning to find that one thing, no matter how insignificant, is so important.  Sometimes we have to let the smallest, most unimportant things make us so unbelievably happy, because oftentimes that's all we have. 

When you find some way to be happy, you can find just enough happiness to love.  I believe that it is still possible to love with a broken heart, as long as you find that little spark of happiness that makes it okay.  Aldonza grew to love Don Quixote in the midst of being degraded and persecuted for her lifestyle, and she learned to hold on to the little things he said or did because they made her happy.

People often try to tell you to move on, let go.  There are some things, some people that come through our life that are too important and leave too much to let them go.  While passing through our life in only a moment's time, leaving so much in there wake, it is possible to hold on, but to be able to move on without them.  As Don Quixote regains his sanity, Aldonza and Sancho try to hold on to whom Don Quixote was and everything he stood for.

I believe that every person and every situation we meet in life has something to give us, something we can learn, and in turn, we have something to give.  Knowing that, it makes it easier to accept change, accept new people that may step into our lives, and to look for a deeper meaning than you can at first glance.  Sancho and Aldonza were both extremely influenced by Don Quixote and his quests, and in turn Sancho gave him service and Aldonza gave him love.

I believe in being unorthodox.  This world is full of boring people, and we are taught to conform since infancy.  I truly admire those who stand out because they are who they are, so long as they are respectable people.  I believe in taking the risks that others would avoid, loving with everything I have, and taking confidence and pride in the fact that I am who I am.  Don Quixote believed himself to be the Man of La Mancha, a noble knight and an enemy to the evil windmills.  It is safe to say that he was insane, and confident in his insanity.  He knew who he was, understood his beliefs, and was ready to "march into Hell for a heavenly cause."  That is more respectable to me than someone who is entirely sane and is too scared to be who they are.

Each morning, the sun will rise over the east horizon.  Without fail, tomorrow will always come.  No matter how difficult today is, no matter how dark the night may get, we always have tomorrow.  If we lose this hope, life is meaningless.  At the close of the book and play, Don Quixote loses that hope, and dies a sane but broken man.

I believe in living for today.  the best things in life happen when we throw caution to the wind, take risks, do things that scare us, and ultimately follow the inner voice of the person we can be.  At the end of every quest, Don Quixote sets out on yet another, throwing himself into harm's way and changing the lives of the people around him.

I believe in Don Quixtoe, the Man of La Mancha, and his quest of jousting windmills.

Along the Lines of Ink

"Hope, Integrity, Freedom."

Three simple words, printed in small, simple text along the bottom edge of the wing of a swallow.  The split tail is thin and dark, and overbearing texture is not needed there.  Flowing smoothly, elegantly, the wings are spread as if it is diving, curving gently to help give the entire piece some closure.  Each line of the body is delicate and simple, beautiful in its elegance.  Its single eye is buried in shadowed feathers near a beak that is halfway open.  Feathers are gently formed and shaded and meshed together; invitingly it beckons to you to touch and see if you really can feel the lightness of the animal, the flutter of its heartbeat. It symbolizes coming a great distance, loyalty, and freedom.

I can't wait.

Along the Lines of Numerology

I have always been fascinated with fortune telling and tarot and numerology and runes and the like.  This interest does not necessarily mean I believe it or think there is a power at hand to reveal my future; more correctly, I am amused when it is incorrect, and am even more amused when it happens to be fairly spot on.  I will not include my "religious" views on the matter, however this is the result of my most recent numerology inquiry regarding my Life Path number:

"Jessika, you possess great compassion and seek to be of service to others. You have concern for the weak and the downtrodden. You are a healer and a helper to others. You are capable of giving comfort to those in need and will frequently offer a shoulder for others to cry on.
Your task in life is to develop the tools necessary to be truly helpful to others, rather than to simply be a sympathetic ear. You must find the balance between help and interference. In the same way, you must learn the delicate art of the counselor who knows when to leave the struggle to others and when to avoid taking away the necessary experiences and lessons of life.
You are naturally balanced. Therefore, you are well equipped to support and ground others in times of trial. It is in your nature to take on responsibility -- you often fill the void left by others -- and do not turn away from personal sacrifice. At times, you may feel overburdened by the travails of others. However, the love others bestow upon you is your well deserved reward.
Jessika, you try to maintain harmony within the family or group, balancing and fusing divergent forces. You seek marriage and are often a wonderful parent, offering warmth, protection, and understanding to children.
You are generous, kind, and attractive. You are often admired even adored which baffles you. You are humble and yet you carry a deep pride. You move well and gracefully, but will have to work to stay in shape. Seek out physical exercise and limit the sweets and dairy you crave to keep yourself from becoming plump and round.
When young, you must be careful not to choose partners for the wrong reasons. Do not let sentimentality influence your decision, especially those involving the choice of a spouse. You need to be needed, but must learn to discriminate between those you can help and others who are made weaker by your care. After all, it is in your nature to be attracted to the weaker brothers and sisters among us. The temptation, and the danger for you, is to think of yourself as the savior of the world, carrying the burdens of others on your shoulders.
Jessika, you are blessed with musical talent, as well as in the visual and performing arts. However, your creativity may well be suppressed due to your willingness to sacrifice, or your inability to fully appreciate your talents. This is not to say that you cannot excel in these areas; on the contrary, you have the talent, and with effort you can make a success in a number of artistic fields. You also have enormous talent in business. You are blessed with a great deal of charm and charisma, which you use effectively to attract the people and support you need."

Along the Lines of Blood

There's something about a cold night and a silence only broken by your own breathing and the pad of your tennis shoes on cold asphalt. Harsh winter air flooding your lungs, your skin and marrow numbing to the cold around you, but you keep running. Run because it hurts, and because you can. Run to get away, because while you're running, things have a funny way of melting from your mind, as if each cold breath heats instead of freezes. Slowly you lose the feeling in your face, hands, arms, and legs, the cold sinking into you as if you were a vaccuum. Eventually you don't feel the cold; it's there, undoubtedly, but it becomes unimportant because you have beaten the cold. Somehow, this late night winter air and over-exertion make everything disappear. With each step, you slowly start to free yourself, until at long last you can breathe.


It was a stupid mistake, I know, but somehow I felt justified because you had been stupid, too. I was mad at you at first, right before I felt like an insane hypocrite. In a lot of ways we're both injuring ourselves, aren't we? You with your stitches and me with my blistered feet. We're both looking for ways to cover up the latest broken piece, trying to hide it instead of attempting to glue it back into place, because we'd undoubtedly cut ourselves on the edges.